Ok now you guys may think I am being selfish here. Consider the
following scenario; you are sitting comfortably at home deeply immersed in your
schoolwork. Suddenly, you got a call from Dipsy. After picking up the call,
Dipsy asked you to flip to a page of your notes to clarify a concept from the
notes. As you were busy with your own work at that time, you offered to get
back to his question another time. Instead of agreeing to your suggestion, he
pressed on with his question. Even though he did not demand an answer, he was
indirectly trying to get you to answer his question immediately. The above scenario
was what usually happened when he called me for help in his schoolwork.
The first few times was acceptable and I helped him.
Subsequently, his request gets more and more frequent. In addition, it was
getting a little irritating because his frequent calls often disrupt my train
of thoughts while I was doing my work. He was very persistent to get me to
answer his questions immediately. On the account of our friendship, I did not
reject him. At some point in time, I felt I had enough and decide to talk to
him nicely about it. So the next day in school, I asked him politely if he
could to ask his queries during school hours. Asking me during that period was
more convenient for me and it was also easier to explain questions to him face
to face. He agreed to my suggestion.
There I was at home feeling happy, thinking that he finally understands
my situation. WRONG! The subsequent weekend, he started his query spree again.
I started to feel more irritated because my advice had fallen on deaf ears. I
tried to think of other methods to curb this habit of his but to no avail. Hence
I decide to just ignore his calls. He began to message me asking why I am not
picking his calls and I ignored all of them too. A few days later, he did not
call to ask me questions anymore. Instead, he clarified his doubts regarding
school work with me in school.
It seems like a problem solved! But it had affected our
relationship. Sometimes I can feel a little bit
of awkwardness when we talk to each other. Anyway, we are still good buddies. I felt that I have not
handled this situation correctly, resulting in a little scar in our friendship.
Maybe you guys could give me some suggestions on how to handle it better!! Thanks!
I faced a similar situation as yours a few years ago. I did not handled it well. One day when my friend called my house phone, I told my sister 'Har, its her again?' and my friend heard that.My wrong choice of words and insensitivity left a scar in our friendship.
ReplyDeleteGuess things might be better if you give Dipsy some time to change his old habits. For example the first weekend that he broke the agreement, you could tell him 'Remember my suggestion last week? I would appreciate if you could ask me when we see each other in school. I can explain better face to face too!'.
yea i guess i should give him some time to change! thx for the suggestion!
DeleteHey Gang Rui,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to see I'm not the only one who has encountered this problem. It really is true that while most of us are more than willing to help, the aid shouldn't be at our own detriment. Often, in such cases, the flow of studying is interrupted and one finds that help in this case might not be helping oneself. Your approach in addressing this conflict is to be applauded especially with your patience in explaining the rationale of it to him.
Perhaps instead of avoiding his calls you could have directly explained it to him via telephone again? Because most guys (as you'd probably know) tend not to take our friends admonitions too seriously. Emphasizing the point might drive the idea home. In any case though, give it some time and it'll go back to normal I guess? Good friendships are greater than a single disagreement after all.
Yeap Govin!!! really very true on the point that most guys don't really take their friends seriously! because i tink most of the time we phrase our warnings in a casual way to avoid hurting his feelings. But this results him to think that we are just joking!
DeleteI guess the balance between a unhurtful warning and an aggressive but efficient one is really quite delicate!
Hi GangRui,
ReplyDeleteI think you not answering his calls seemed very effective in bringing the massage across. I think you have handled the situation rather well. Your actions managed to bring the point across strongly that you will not entertain frequent disruptions during your revision time.
Firstly, you kept the communication line open by talking to him, trying to make him understand your situation. He is not getting the hint that you are struggling to answer his questions, and if nothing is done to address this issue, it can affect your studies adversely. I’m very sure Dipsy does not have the slightest intention to affect your studies and lifestyle negatively. There might be some awkwardness between you guys for now, but I’m sure time will neutralize it. If he is your true friend, he should understand that helping others has to be within one’s capability and limit, and that you are past your limit in answering too many calls after school hours.
On the other hand, one recommendation should you decided not to answer his call in the future, you should consider dropping him a short SMS text informing him that you will not to be free for the period of time. In this case, you accord him the due respect as a friend by informing him of your unavailability and a normal friend would accord you the same respect by not disturbing.
Cheers
Chris
Yeap i guess he didnt mean it! maybe i should get him to attend es2007s! that should help him to have a better understand of my situation.
DeleteOh thanks for the suggestion!
Hi gangrui,
ReplyDeleteNo you don't come across as selfish. I think many people have experienced this before. What I usually do is ignore my phone (especially if someone is persistently calling or messaging and it has nothing to do with school work and after you've mentioned that you're busy). Hence, don't fret too much about that.
I would have handled the situation in the same way, except I'd have called back when it's convenient for me.
Maybe you're feeling a bit of guilt for the scar in the friendship but do understand that you tried talking to your friend and he should understand you. But then again, since he's your good friend, I'm sure he overlooked your needs. If it was someone else whom he's not so close to, I'm sure he would have felt so "paiseh".
You should ask him if he's alright with what happened and explain that you were just busy and admit that you're not a perfect multi-tasker. Maybe that might get rid of the awkwardness.
Cheers!
hmm maybe i should explain have explained to him more clearly! thanks for your idea!
Delete